Wo ist Herr Schmidt?

Wo ist unser süsser Tiger? Er ist seit letzte Woche Dienstag weg -- er war tagsüber bei uns und ist dann ohne Spur verschwunden. Komischerweise ist der Kater unserer Nachbarin seit ungefähr der gleichen Zeit auch weg. Unser Herr Schmidt hatte natürlich ein schwarzes Halsband um und ist noch dazu gechippt. Bitte meldet euch, wenn ihr Hinweise habt. Danke.

My younger brothers are looking for new homes

3 von meinen jungeren Brüdern suchen ein neues Zuhause ab Anfang November. Meldet euch bei Interesse!

Herr Shit

This is what my people have been calling me lately. My old people, I should mention. I've taken up residence on a new balcony, and my old people don't seem to like it. Well, my new person doesn't seem to like me any more, either. You see, she doesn't seem to understand that I can't digest dry cat food. She doesn't seem to respect my tigerness and the fact that I need meat. This has led to a flood of diarrhea on her balcony. As the balcony does not consist of a solid floor, rather slats of wood with small spaces in between, my little problem drips down onto the terrace below as well. Supposedly, anyway. I mean, I'm not going down and checking it out, nor are my people. They have enough of my shit in their own place. So, I guess these people are not happy about this, but I can understand my people's argument: stop feeding me! I am an animal! If you put food in front of me, I will eat it, and though I may regret it later, I will not learn from my mistakes. My new person reprimanded my old people, saying that they should take me to the vet. They don't need to, I am well cared for, and when I only eat meat from them, I have no digestive problems. But if you dangle cat food in front of me, I'm not going to turn it down. If you don't want me at your house, then send me away. There are a number of ways of making a cat feel unwelcome. I will list some of them:

-dump water on them (very effective, we hate water)
-a spritz of water from a spray bottle will even do
-throw me from the balcony! I am a cat, I always land on my feet
-hiss! growl! meow!
-what about cat repellent?
-though I don't condone it, I've heard that people in a far away land even shoot unwanted cats or throw stones at them

The last is a very extreme example, and I don't recommend it, but it works. Come on, I'm just a cat. I am an extremely handsome, charming cat, but nonetheless a cat. And I already have a home and owners who might like to see me sometimes.

Update

Well, finally I saw an open door in my captivity and used it to my advantage. I've been able to return home. It seems I actually was in the rear house, I think I can see my catnapper's balcony from mine. What did I do upon my return on Thursday? I shit on the rug. I can't control it, the problem is that the brain surgeons who were keeping me captive only allowed me to eat cat food from the supermarket, out of a box or a can, not fresh meat as a cat should. Geniuses, I can't handle that stuff. It throws my digestion all out of whack. People, I am a tiger, I need meat. It seems that only my real owners understand this. They give me ground beef and pork, and bits of sausage. It doesn't beat a sweet, fresh mouse, but at least it's raw meat, as opposed to something from a package that I can't even open. Come on, how much sense does it make to put CAT food in a tin can? What am I supposed to do, bite it open and ruin my sharp, meat-eating teeth? Or maybe claw it open? I wouldn't waste my time and energy doing that anyway, the stuff tastes terrible and stinks to high heaven. You people think you're pretty smart, but you really have a lot to learn.

HILFE !!! ICH WURDE ENTFÜHRT !!!

HELP! I'VE BEEN CATNAPPED!

Seit Dienstag Vormittag durfte ich nicht mehr zu meinen Menschen und meinem Haus gehen. Ich weiß nicht wo ich bin und wer mich hier fest hält. Zum Glück habe ich einen Internetzugang gefunden.
I haven't been allowed to return to my humans and my house since Tuesday afternoon. I don't know where I am or who is keeping me here. Fortunately I found an internet connection.

Helft mir herauszufinden wo ich bin!
Help me find out where I am!

Sind Euch Menschen aufgefallen, die plötzlich Katzenfutter kaufen obwohl sie sonst immer nur Dosenravioli gegessen haben?
Have you noticed people who are suddenly buying cat food who otherwise only eat canned soup?

Sind Euch Personen aufgefallen, die plötzlich Katzenhaare an sich kleben haben, obwohl sie (eigentlich) keine Katze haben?
Have you noticed people who have cat hair on their clothes all of a sudden, even though they actually DON'T have a cat?

Sind Euch sonst Personen aufgefallen, die sich aufällig anders verhalten seit Dienstag? Bewohner von Hinterhäusern sind dabei besonders argwöhnisch unter die Lupe zu nehmen! Ich denke ja fast dass ich in einem Hinterhaus gelandet bin...
Have you noticed people who have been behaving strangely since Tuesday?
Occupants of rear houses are to be considered especially suspicious and checked especially carefully! I almost think that maybe I'm stuck in a rear house...

Hinweise, die zur Ermittlung meines Aufenthaltsortes dienen könnten, schreibt bitte an meine e-mail!
Pleas email me any tips that may help me to find out my location!

Oops, I did it again!

I've taken a liking to the people who live in the rear house here, just opposite my balcony. They are real cat lovers, and stroke me and play with me all I want. They also have good food which tastes good going down, but gives me some problems on the other end. My first sign of this was when my regular humans in the front house started making comments upon my return on Friday evening about my gas. Apparently it stunk quite repulsively, but as they say in German, "Jedem riechen seine eigenen Winde wohl" (your own wind smells good to you). And then I had this terrible feeling in my belly, knew what was coming, and fortunately made it out into the grass before releasing what turned out to be a runny mess from my back end. This plague has continued all weekend, and my regular people have also become upset with the people in the rear house, calling them "white trash" and "catnappers", so I'm not allowed to go out for a few days. I think they fear that I prefer the people in back and their food to them. Jealous humans. Anyway, they did their best to set up a comfortable little sandbox for me to use as my toilet, but as I don't really want to put this runny mess in my nice clean sand, I hid it behind the speaker in the corner of the living room this evening when I had that bad belly feeling again. I guess my hiding job wasn't so good, because they found it immediately and set me in my sandbox toilet saying "here, here is where you do that." What, do they think I don't understand? I know. But if you close the door so I can't do my nasty business where I really need to do it, then I'm not going to dirty my good sand with it. I'm saving that sand for when I have a bit of a longer job to get done, if you know what I mean.

Mein Haus, mein Auto, meine Frau

My house, my car, my woman

Heute gibts statt alter Baby-Bilder und alter Bilder von meinem längst verschwundenen Onkel Garfield mal Bilder von jetzt und von mir.
Today, instead of baby pictures and old pictures of my long lost uncle Garfield, you can see pictures of me now.

Mein Haus:
My House:
Das hat mir mein Mensch aus meiner alten Heimat gebaut, als er mich vor 3 Wochen mal besucht hat:
My person from my previous home built me this house when she came to visit three weeks ago:

Mein Auto:
My car:

Ein bisschen hänge ich noch am Lande, also muss wenigstens das Auto ein Statement in die Richtung sein:
I'm still kind of attached to the country, so at least my car has to make that kind of statement:

Meine Frau:
My woman:

Hier ist sie. Hatte schon Garfield letztes Jahr und vorher sogar Waaboose, das Kaninchen. Naja. Ist mehr so eine Notlösung, sobald ich stark genug bin die anderen Kater im Hof zu verprügeln, nehme ich denen die Frauen weg. Ich werde sowieso der Stärkste, weil ich ein echter Kater bleiben werde.
Here she is. Garfield already had her last year and before that even Waboose, the bunny. Well, I have her sort of out of desperation, until I can beat up the other tomcats in the neighborhood and take away their women. I'll be the toughest anyway, because I'm going to stay a real tomcat.

Baby Bilder

Bevor ich in die Stadt kam war ich auch mal ganz klein gewesen und konnte kaum laufen. Damals hatte ich auch noch 3 Brüder, die aber alle ein bisschen anders gestreift waren. Ich hatte dort auch noch mehrere Menschen, vor allem viel mehr Menschenkinder, die mich den ganzen Tag durch die Gegend getragen haben.

Neulich hat mich auch eins von den Menschenkindern hier in der Stadt besucht und hat mir ein Haus gebaut. Das steht jetzt auf dem Balkon und seitdem darf ich auch draußen übernachten.

Das schlimmste an der Stadt ist aber das Essen. Die ganze Zeit gibt es nur trockenes und viel zu hartes Knusperzeug oder eigenartig riechende Würfel in Aspik aus Dosen.

Ich hab so langsam wirklich Appetit auf eine Maus. Wer davon also zu viele hat der kann mir die hier gerne vorbei bringen.

Mein Vorgänger und Onkel Garfield hatte letztes Jahr auch ab und zu mal Mäuse:

And now in English (I am a bilingual cat now that I live in the city):
Before I came to the city, I was very tiny and could hardly walk. At that time I even had 3 brothers, who were all a little bit differently striped. There were also more people there, especially more people children, who carried me around all day long.

Recently one of those human children came to visit me in the city and even built me a house. It's on my balcony now and I get to sleep outside at night.

The worst thing about the city is the food. I only get dry, really hard crunchy stuff the whole time or strange-smelling cubes in some kind of gelatin from a can.

I am really getting hungry for a mouse. If anybody has too many, you're welcome to bring them by to my house.

My predecessors and Uncle Garfield, who lived here for a while last year, had mice once in a while.

Country tiger, city tiger

My name is Herr Schmidt. I came from Niederschöna, Germany, to live in Dresden. Niederschöna!?, you ask? Yes, it's a small village on the side of a hill near Freiberg, a former mining town. From my chic fur pattern and city manners, you might think I am a born city tiger, but I'm not. My mother, Kasi, my grandmother, Mietz, and all the other Mietzes from my family line are country tigers, mostly from the Ore Mountains. I am not ashamed. Country tigers are more qualified than city tigers (also known as Stubentiger, "room tigers") in many respects:

-we are stronger
-we are better fighters
-we are better navigators (could city tigers find their way around in a forest full of brown trees that all look the same after only knowing different colored house facades and doors with numbers?)

A drawback of being a country tiger is that, as you may have heard, we are sometimes inbred. This was the case with my uncles, Herr Schmidt I and Garfield. Herr Schmidt I's eyes were small and close together, a clear sign of weakness, and Garfield, well, he was just crazy. (In case you haven't yet heard, Herr Schmidt I was Garfield's brother and suspected father. Grandma Mietz was a wild woman, with a strange taste in tomcats.) He let everyone touch him and hold him, even strangers on the street. He probably was catnapped, or got run over from his many escapades running on the street between cars. Well, that isn't the case with me. I am not inbred, nor is just any old human allowed to stroke my supple fur and enjoy the sound of my sweet purring, and I've already learned how to navigate around moving cars and even German Shepherds and other big, stinky animals. There are lots of big stinky animals here in Dresden.

This is my new place, and it is here that I will write about my adventures as a country tiger living in the city.

Herr Schmidt kam mit...

...und wohnt jetzt in Dresden