Herr Shit

This is what my people have been calling me lately. My old people, I should mention. I've taken up residence on a new balcony, and my old people don't seem to like it. Well, my new person doesn't seem to like me any more, either. You see, she doesn't seem to understand that I can't digest dry cat food. She doesn't seem to respect my tigerness and the fact that I need meat. This has led to a flood of diarrhea on her balcony. As the balcony does not consist of a solid floor, rather slats of wood with small spaces in between, my little problem drips down onto the terrace below as well. Supposedly, anyway. I mean, I'm not going down and checking it out, nor are my people. They have enough of my shit in their own place. So, I guess these people are not happy about this, but I can understand my people's argument: stop feeding me! I am an animal! If you put food in front of me, I will eat it, and though I may regret it later, I will not learn from my mistakes. My new person reprimanded my old people, saying that they should take me to the vet. They don't need to, I am well cared for, and when I only eat meat from them, I have no digestive problems. But if you dangle cat food in front of me, I'm not going to turn it down. If you don't want me at your house, then send me away. There are a number of ways of making a cat feel unwelcome. I will list some of them:

-dump water on them (very effective, we hate water)
-a spritz of water from a spray bottle will even do
-throw me from the balcony! I am a cat, I always land on my feet
-hiss! growl! meow!
-what about cat repellent?
-though I don't condone it, I've heard that people in a far away land even shoot unwanted cats or throw stones at them

The last is a very extreme example, and I don't recommend it, but it works. Come on, I'm just a cat. I am an extremely handsome, charming cat, but nonetheless a cat. And I already have a home and owners who might like to see me sometimes.